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Unspoken expectations in marriage can turn two capable adults into the one who reminds and the one who keeps getting reminded. If you keep having the same fight about money, parenting, or how the dishwasher gets loaded, chances are the fight isn’t about any of those things. It’s about expectations, and probably ones your partner never agreed to.

I start this solo episode with a confession from my own marriage. For years I cooked a hot dinner every night, stressed and a little resentful, only to find out my husband would have been perfectly happy with bread, salami and cheese. Nobody in that house expected a hot meal except me. From there, we look at why “whose expectations are right?” is the wrong question, and what to ask instead.

In this episode, you’ll learn:

• Why most of your expectations were inherited, not chosen, and how Esther Perel’s idea that we now ask one person to give us what an entire village once provided explains so much of your disappointment
• The difference between an expectation and an agreement, and why a “fine” through gritted teeth is a no wearing a yes costume
• How repeated disappointment slowly turns one partner into the parent and the other into the kid, and why this isn’t a gender thing
• The disappointment, silence, story, distance cycle that slides couples into roommate mode
• Three practical steps, including a 15-minute expectation audit and the glass ball vs. rubber ball test

Your takeaway for tonight is to ask your partner one question: “What’s one thing you think I expect of you?” Then just listen, without defending or correcting.

Press play to hear how to trade the scorecard for agreements you’ve both signed, and get back to being two adults on the same team.

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