Hidden Grief's Impact on Stress

Speaker 1 0:02

Welcome to the Balance Code Podcast , a place where you have permission to step outside the hamster wheel of day-to-day life and learn tools to create more balance . My name is Katie Russell . I'm a licensed therapist and burnout and hidden grief specialist . I support ambitious , goal-driven people who are ready to get off the one-way train , to burnout and start to enjoy life again to the fullest . Oh and , by the way , I'm a mom of three , an ex-pat living in Germany who's still learning the language , and an entrepreneur Living . My balance code is what keeps me able to work in incredible ways without burning up . So let's find your balance code .

Speaker 1 0:47

Welcome back to the Balance Code Podcast . Today , we're talking about three ways hidden grief is adding to your stress , and this is a really important topic to me because , as some of you know , I've written a book a couple of years ago called the New Face of Grief , specifically on hidden grief and how it's impacting our lives . And with what's going on in the world over the last five years , it's even more relevant and something we need to be paying attention to . Well , before we dive into that , let me remind you that the Stress Less Society is open . This is a support group for women who desire to learn stress management tools in a group format where we can hold each other accountable during the most difficult time of year , the cold , wet , grainy , gray season October through April . You can sign up for one month or for three months to get that support you need and learn some tools to deal with the holiday stress , the funk that comes with all the gray weather and it being dark longer , but also when we have those times where we're like everybody's getting sick in our home . So I invite you to get more information by checking the link below in the description of this podcast . Okay , let's dive in Three ways . Hidden grief is stressing you out and really adding to the stress you're experiencing . Let's start with what is hidden grief . Now , if you've been following me for the last three years , then you already know the answer to this , but I'm going to guess some of you have not been . So let's start from the beginning .

Speaker 1 2:18

We're all familiar with what grief is . We tend to relate grief to the death or loss of someone or something very close to us , and that's true , right . Grief is related to death . But originally , when the stages of grief were created , it was about those who were terminally ill and their own process of coming to terms with their death coming . Well , then psychologists and therapists said hold on . These stages of grief are experienced by the family members too . And then it started to become even broader Anyone experiencing grief related to the loss of someone .

Speaker 1 2:55

As time progressed and people studied grief more , there was the realization that there's something called disenfranchised grief or , as I like to call it , hidden grief , because it's way easier to say . And that is the grief that society doesn't recognize because it's usually not connected to a death . And if it is connected to a death , it is in relation to a celebrity dying or someone in your neighborhood you weren't really connected to , but it still impacts you and creates that grief . When we look at a more broader view of what grief is , it is the experience of letting go of the way we thought life would go or should go and really coming to terms and accepting how life is . Now . When we look at it from this definition , we start to notice that grief can show up in a lot of areas of our lives , not just related to the loss of someone . We can see that grief is in relation to changing identities in our life , whether you become a parent or you go off to school or you are now have an empty nest .

Speaker 1 3:57

We see that grief comes with health issues . Grief comes with moving . Grief comes in times like we're in right now , where there is war and struggles throughout the world . Grief comes in that process of I really thought my children would grow up in a particular world that was safer or better . And here we are and I don't feel like that's happening . We all experienced grief during the COVID time of our freedoms were taken . Things changed All of a sudden . We had to abide by certain rules or expectations and we were grieving our freedom , the anticipation of what is next and how is this world going to look , and will this always be going on ? So grief has shown up for all of us throughout our lives and I really encourage you , if you want to learn more about how hidden grief has shown up in your life , that I have a free audio chapter of my book . That is that particular chapter where it says how does hidden grief show up in our lives ? What causes it ? And I'll make sure that there is a link to that in the description below .

Speaker 1 4:57

Okay , so we now know that hidden grief is related to this adjustment , letting go of the way life was supposed to go , what we thought it was going to look like . What happens is , most of us didn't learn how to heal or deal with this type of grief . We barely know how to deal with grief related to death . So when we are not role modeled or taught how to deal with this grief , we just like put it inside , kind of like baggage luggage , right like packing away and just get stuck in us , and we noticed that health issues arise five to ten years later . When this happens , we noticed that mental health issues start to become more prominent the more this baggage builds up that we have not let go of . We struggle with our sleep and our eating , and our relationships are impacted .

Speaker 1 5:50

So I want to get into specifically , though , three ways . Hidden grief is really adding to your stress , because that is something that's really important to me that more people recognize . It's up to you if you want to deal with your hidden grief . It's up to you . You can call it emotional mental baggage if you want . However , it is creating a dynamic where people are going towards burnout faster because they're not resolving these things , and it's adding to your stress . So the first way that hidden grief is adding to your stress is that when we have things that are unresolved , they then compile .

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So if I have had a history of issues in relationships right like , let's say , my first love like it went so horribly and that really shaped the way that I dealt with relationships from there on , and maybe my parents struggled too , and so I didn't really see a healthy relationship role model Now this is not the case in my situation , but I'm using for an example so that is my foundation of the house of my relationships right . Then I will seek out relationships that are similar because it's comfortable and in the therapy world we know this because we see that people stick with comfort even if , logically , they know it's not healthy , they know that it's not good for them . So I have this foundation that's actually really rocky and unstable , but it's normal to me . So I'm going to continue on with these unhealthy relationships in my friendships and my work situations and romantically , it's not just in the romantic relationship , it impacts all of my relationships . I will probably be the person who rolls over and lets them do whatever they want . I don't want to cause problems . If I do fight the system , I immediately apologize . I feel really bad . I feel like I've done something wrong .

Speaker 1 7:46

How this adds to your stress is when I then start to have those unhealthy relationships that compile right , build upon each other . That weight is on me and I no longer feel confident in myself . I no longer capable . I tend to give my power , and probably even things like money or resources or even my time , to someone else to be in charge of , and that adds stress to my system . I am constantly in a state of fight , flight , freeze or fawn , which just means play dead and not literally play dead . But you know what I mean . I'm not here , I disappeared . I don't know what you're talking about , but as soon as I'm in that state , in a relationship or an interaction with someone , I immediately fall into that place , and that adds stress to your system .

Speaker 1 8:35

So this is one area where it makes sense to work on the hidden grief . It makes sense to work on the emotional and mental baggage , because we don't want to fall into the same patterns that we saw growing up or that happened to different generations in our family . We want to live our own lives , even though we're going to be impacted by those epigenetics . We also don't want to be impacted by old relationships , because maybe there's some good things that came from it , but there might be a lot of bad things . It's time to resolve that .

Speaker 1 9:03

This is the first area where it's really adding to your stress by having that hidden grief . The second way that hidden grief is adding to your stress is because , when we hold on to hidden grief , I want you to think about it like really dense energy . Have you ever entered a room after a couple had an argument or there was a disagreement at work and you're like , ooh , I can cut the tension with a knife . You are feeling the energy of the space . Some of you are like , katie , I don't know what you're talking about . That's okay . Those of you who do know you get it . But I want you to imagine just really dense . Okay , I'm going to do it in terms that all of us can get dense chocolate cake , like really creamy , thick , tough to cut through . That's what the energy of hidden grief is . It's just really really thick . And I know chocolate cake . You're like , well , the chocolate cake is good , unless you can't have chocolate or you don't like chocolate .

Speaker 1 9:57

But it is this denseness and it is hard for us to cut through it . It is hard for us to really get through and once we do , it's like , okay , that is the energy of hidden grief . And imagine that stored within every cell of your body . Because ultimately , when we go through emotional or mental trauma in whatever form and remember , trauma doesn't have to be big , major incident . That's like something would be newsworthy . It can be being bullied in school , it can be parented in a way that really upsets and hurts you and like sticks with you , like .

Speaker 1 10:30

This is what I work with my clients on is to recognize that hidden grief isn't always about a major event that happened . It's the stuff we still think about at times or that still triggers us to have emotions . So we have this denseness throughout our system and it's just sitting there waiting for us to actually work on it , waiting for us to release it , and it's like a tense muscle that's just tight and you're just like somebody massage this out , somebody like get this out , like it is so tense . But you actually have to pay attention to it , you actually have to work on it and it is layers , like the layers of the onion . I mean I'm throwing every analogy at you guys today , but you know , each layer of the onion you pull off creates a motion right Makes us cry Like whoa , because every layer of the onion has these gases that are released that impact us . That's the same thing with this . So it's like , oh well , I don't really want to deal with it .

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You are , whether you like it or not , your body is dealing with it , subconsciously you're dealing with it and it comes out in physical manifestations . What am I talking about ? Here's the second way hidden grief is adding stress to you . It is literally adding stress to your physical body . So you're going to feel tense muscles , especially lower back issues . You're going to feel your hamstrings are very tight and you're going to have experiences of struggle with sleep because of all this tenseness that's going on . You're going to feel yourself geared towards being more anxious because your system is already on high alert because of feeling so tense . It really will start to feel like , oh , weight is on your shoulders and you will think it is the stress of what's going on in the present moment . But it is the stress of things being added upon you because you didn't release the stress of the baggage from before . And that makes sense , because some of this stuff is childhood and teen years and we didn't know how to deal with it then . But if you haven't , then it's just piling up and being stored in your body , and as kids we were able to usually run around and get some of this out .

Speaker 1 12:38

But there's still an emotional component to hidden grief work that we underestimate the importance of . And I don't mean you need to go cry , because often with grief work , we just think of the mourning period of it . We just think of the tears . There is anger , there is fear , there are a lot of things that need to be addressed , and so when we start to do that , I will tell you my clients will go oh , my god , I feel lighter and I'm like , yes , of course you feel lighter because you were holding this on you as what you thought was just emotional and mental baggage . But physically , because the mind and body are so connected , physically you were holding this , you were holding on to this , and so the second way hidden grief adds to your stress is physically it impacts your system , it feels like a weight , it impacts your health , and so it's like to me it's a no-brainer , like I would rather work on my emotional and mental baggage . So then , physically , I feel lighter and I feel better .

Speaker 1 13:39

And the third way that hidden grief is adding to your stress is it's impacting your ability to be vulnerable , to be authentic , to really be you . Because when we have hidden grief , we create almost this trench around us where people can't get to our kingdom , right , they can't get to our castle Again , I'm throwing all the analogies at you guys but we are on our little island or our little castle , right , and we're like , no , no , no , you can't get around me because I don't want you to see who I am . Because of my hidden grief , because of my mental and emotional baggage , I'm afraid for you to touch me , be around me , to see me , to experience me , because there's something wrong with me . Or if you knew these things about me , you wouldn't like me , you wouldn't want to be around me . That's all because of hidden grief . We don't come out of the womb afraid for people to be connected to us . We come out of the womb and need attachment , and we always need attachment from there on . I'm sorry , I don't care how introverted you are . You need to attach to people . It doesn't have to be everybody and not everybody's your person , but you need people . So hidden grief makes us isolate ourselves and we think it's to protect others or to protect ourselves , but what we're doing is actually adding more stress to the system . We need people

The Impact of Hidden Grief

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Now .

Speaker 1 14:58

The problem is , because of our hidden grief , we might pick the wrong people . We might actually pick the wrong people to be in our lives . And when there are healthy and good people around us , our radar goes up , red flags go up this person's on tape . This is not the right person . Because they're uncomfortable , because they're healthy . I've had many clients tell me yeah , I don't know , I don't really want to be friends with that person . And then months later , they connect with that person . They're like oh my god , that was the best conversation . I really enjoyed them . They're able to be so authentic and I felt so safe to be myself . And I realized , because they are that way , it was uncomfortable before . That's why I didn't want to like hang out with them . And I'm like , yeah , because our hidden grief adds stress to our system by keeping us pulled away . And then , when there's something good that can come and help us get out of that castle and like come to the mainland , be a part of life , we're like no , no , no , that's really bad . Right , there is a snake . This is something dangerous , I have to stay hidden .

Speaker 1 16:02

So the third way that hidden grief is impacting your stress and adding to your stress is by keeping you isolated and believing that that is actually what keeps you safe . And it doesn't . It is adding to the complexity of the problems . It is keeping the mental and emotional baggage even More of a weight on your shoulders , and so all three of these ways that hidden grief is adding stress to you Don't feel simple in the moment to deal with . It's like Katie , I don't know where do I even begin , but as soon as you get started , you go wow . When I impact one of these three things to add less stress , I see that I'm adding less stress in other areas , and so it is very interconnected .

Speaker 1 16:43

And that's one of the beautiful things I love about hidden grief work is it's pretty quick when you start to address it . In certain ways , I Find that coaches and therapists and mentors and guides and whatever names you want to give us when they start working on it , they tend to go into the trauma part of it and like let tell me the story , let's relive this , let's work on regulating your nervous system as you tell the story , and I don't believe that that is effective when it comes to hidden grief or that is great for trauma work and I am not the person to go to for the heavy trauma work . But with hidden grief there's a certain way that we balance the logical brain with the emotional brain and it's it's a bit of a science and it's a bit of some energy work , right , like there's just a little balance of both . But when we do both of those things and we do it strategically , it's amazing how quickly things progress . And that's one of the beautiful things I think about hidden grief work is we often are scared of it , but as soon as we open ourselves up to the process , it's like oh , oh , wow , why didn't I do this sooner ? And I've had many clients come to me and go . I don't know why I put this off . I was like afraid of what was gonna come up . I was afraid of how it's gonna impact my family or my relationships or myself . I was afraid it's gonna change how I was and I'm realizing now Everything's enhanced in the most positive ways and I have way less stress on my shoulders , I'm able to connect and be present even more , like there's just more benefits than Consequences to dealing with hidden grief . Okay , so that sums up today's talk . If you're interested in working on Hidden Grief , you know where to find me you can go down the description below and look at how to work together . And also , of course , the Stressless Society . We're going to be dealing with Hidden Grief , don't worry .

Speaker 1 18:30

And before we finish up , I want to share with you a great review that the podcast received , and I'm so grateful for this . Garmatron in Australia says love hearing the calming tones of Katie , coupled with her sage advice on actioning positive change in your life and living your best life . The length of the episodes is manageable . Yep , that's important to me as well , so you can fit the listen easily into your busy schedule . Love this for anyone who is committed to making life better for yourself and those around you . Thank you so much , garmatron . I mean

Balance Code

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you picked out exactly .

Speaker 1 19:02

What was important to me is that the length of these episodes makes sense to those of us who have a busy schedule but want to learn tools to have better balance in our lives . So I really appreciate that . If you have a moment after listening to this episode , please leave the podcast a review and a rating , or share it with somebody you know who needs to listen to this message too . Well , we've wrapped up . Now we know three ways that Hidden Grief is adding to your stress , and here's to finding our balance code . Thank you so much for listening to today's episode . If you have a moment , please leave a rating or review so that others can find this podcast who are looking for support , just like you . Let's connect on Instagram at katiewrestler or at balance code podcast , or check down in the show notes to find ways that we can work together and see other offerings that I have for you at this time . And , as always , here's to finding our balance code .