Improving Self-Discipline and Motivation

Speaker 1 0:02

Welcome to the Balance Code Podcast , a place where you have permission to step outside the hamster wheel of day-to-day life and learn tools to create more balance . My name is Katie Russell . I'm a licensed therapist and burnout and hidden grief specialist . I support ambitious , goal-driven people who are ready to get off the one-way train , to burnout and start to enjoy life again to the fullest . Oh and , by the way , I'm a mom of three , an ex-pat living in Germany who's still learning the language , and an entrepreneur Living . My Balance Code is what keeps me able to work in incredible ways without burning up . So let's find your Balance Code . Welcome back to the Balance Code Podcast .

Speaker 1 0:50

This week I am interviewing Katie Stoddart and we are talking about self-discipline . I know it's not a sexy , friendly , fun topic , but most of my clients , if not all , including myself are struggling with getting started , getting motivated . When it comes to ourselves . We're so good at helping others and making sure we're on it for our work , but when it comes to us , our self-discipline goes out the window . So Katie is the founder of the Focus B and she's an award-winning transformative and conscious leadership coach . She supports entrepreneurs and companies to reach and sustain peak performance in their business and is dedicated to enabling people to lead with greater joy , alignment and purpose .

Speaker 1 1:36

What's really neat about Katie is she started her career as an engineer working offshore mapping the seafloor . From her time at sea , she gained the experience of leading teams under stressful circumstances , and during her career she's explored two of the greatest mysteries and unknowns the infinity of the ocean and the depth of the human psyche . Isn't that amazing ? Like whoa , she's passionate about leadership , performance and mindfulness and is frequently invited to speak and host conferences . I met her back at the 15 Seconds Festival in June in Austria and we immediately said okay , let's connect afterwards . Well , a little bit of chatting , we realized we wanted to be on each other's podcast . So here are the Katie's talking about how to improve our self-discipline and what's really going on that's stopping us from motivating ourselves to take care of us . Welcome , katie , to the Balance Code podcast . My fellow Katie , how are you doing today ?

Speaker 2 2:32

Amazing . Thank you so much for having me on the show . Thank you .

Speaker 1 2:35

Of course . So we met at the 15 Seconds Festival , both as speakers , and we have started talking about the work that we do , and today I want to talk with you about self-discipline and what I'm noticing , the themes that are coming up in my clients' lives and my own life and , as we've talked about , in our lives in general , around how hard it is to be disciplined , whereas maybe we used to be like amazing at being disciplined right , and then all of a sudden , now we're like wait , why am I ? I'm so good about it for everyone else but myself . Before we dive into that , just give us a brief little . Where are you right now ? What are you doing in your work ? Who do you serve ? Introduce yourself a little bit .

Speaker 2 3:21

Thank you , katie . So I'm based in Stockholm , though I'm originally French-British , and primarily I do high performance and leadership coaching , speaking podcasts also , where you'll be on , katie also , which is the Focus B show , and I recently just launched my book , the Magic of Focus .

Speaker 1 3:41

Excellent , awesome . So how have you been seeing people's self-discipline what's another word we can use for this ? Because discipline always makes you feel like you're either in trouble or you're not good enough . So , like self-motivation , maybe self-focus , right . How are you seeing it change for people in the last few years ?

Speaker 2 4:01

I think two things have really combined , have really impacted lack of self-discipline . One of them has been the rise of use of smartphones , I've noticed in the last five to 10 years . People are using more and more and more and people who used to be typically , for example , very good at reading say that they struggle to read more because the way we read on smartphones isn't the same and also because of their addictive nature . So I think that's one element , and the second element is obviously the pandemic with people working from home . Suddenly they can't be bothered to commute as much or to leave the flat as harder , and a lot of the previous habits have been lost and people are struggling to gain them again .

Speaker 1 4:45

Yeah , that's one thing I've heard a lot of my clients say , like I used to be good at this , and it's almost a sense of shame around it which then keeps us stuck . What are you really talking with your own clients and the companies that you work with and stuff about how they can start to self-motivate again and let go of the shame around ? Oh , I used to be able to do these things .

Speaker 2 5:10

I always think it's a dangerous route when we compare in general , and even if it's comparing to other people , obviously , but also to our previous selves . Because if , for instance , you used to be I don't know a marathon runner and then you break your leg for whatever reason , and for two , three years you can't run . Probably when you start running again it won't be the same level . So it's way better to think okay , where am I now ? Okay , I'm back into running . How can I start ? What would be a first step ? What would keep me motivated ? Who can hold me accountable and just regain that motivation of seeing your own baby steps ?

Speaker 2 5:46

And I think , if we compare with before , there might be things that you're doing way better than you ever used to . Right , we don't think about them , we don't celebrate them . There might be things that you're way better at now , but they might be things that , for whatever reason and the reason doesn't really matter that much they've sort of fallen by the wayside , maybe exercise a bit less , or reading less , or going to bed a bit later . And then , instead of contrasting and thinking , oh , I used to be so great , why can't I do it anymore ? It's more like , okay , where am I now , where do I want to be and what would be that first mini step that we could take towards that right direction so that you can start to build that self-trust ? Because I think self-discipline and self-trust are really related .

Speaker 1 6:32

Yeah , I was talking with some family members the other day . My oldest is nine and she had basically the equivalent of a performance review for her report card time and here in Germany you have the option to sit down with the teacher and the student and the teacher really talk about progress and where they see that they're improving , what they'd like to work on , and it really is a performance review . And I think about that . That sometimes in life our performance reviews of ourselves are a little bit too long duration , like for the last 15 years versus like let me look at the last year . How can we start to shift , how we change ? Look at those standards in that performance review , helping us to be able to get , like you're saying , focus on the right now and honor it , honor and celebrate the right now .

Speaker 2 7:23

Yes , I think it comes from several factors . One of them , of course , would be what would be the strong reason or why that drives you to change it . So if , for example , someone listening or you used to be a great reader and you're not anymore , instead of looking back I used to read all these classics and I'm not anymore the question would be do you still want to read these classics ?

Speaker 1 7:45

Right , yeah , do you even want it , yeah .

Speaker 2 7:47

And if the answer is yes , they'd be like , okay , well , where could you start ? Could you join a book club ? Could you start with a classic you used to love and get back into it ? So I think it's people often have this idealized vision of all the things they should do , versus what do they really want to do and why do they really want to do it , and then , like you said , not looking back and contrasting too much with the past , but just maybe the last six months , celebrating the progress which is really not done enough , and then thinking , okay , the next six months to what do I really want to implement and , instead of feeling bad and guilty about the lack of progress , actually looking the next step forwards .

Speaker 2 8:27

I actually have a great example of this in my own life with learning Swedish . So I speak well five languages , if we count Swedish before , and one of them is German , and when I moved to Sweden , I was convinced that I could learn Swedish within six months because I pre-learned some of it . I'd done the whole babble thing a whole year online , every day . I'd done a few Swedish classes couple of months when I lived in Barcelona , because I used to work for Swedish company and I thought right , with my German , my languages , I can learn it in six months . Now , maybe I could have right doing three , four hours a day . Maybe I could have , but I didn't do three , four hours a day .

Speaker 2 9:05

And then what happened was , after six months , I was like , oh , I still don't speak for Swedish . Oh , well . And then after yeah , oh , I thought it would take me six months , I still don't speak for Swedish . And so it's exactly the example you said . I would look back and think I should have , I could have , why isn't ? And then I would just catch myself and think , ok , but now what are we going to do about it ? It doesn't matter if we have a progress . And so eventually now it's been almost three years I do sort of speak it , ish , but not as fluently as I'd like to . And so now I just have a one on one teacher . One day I was just like well , I know what I need to do . One on one teacher listen to all your books , speak a bit more , do it .

Speaker 1 9:44

That's it really , yeah , I love that you earlier were saying we need to reassess our goals . Do we still even have those goals ? And then , once you go , yeah , this is something I still want to learn . I still want to do , like , what is the feasible steps right now ? And even if you were a self started before and you could learn the language on your own through battle or whichever you know platforms , if you need a teacher now , if you need more accountability , if you need that fitness instructor now , like that's OK , that doesn't mean you're weak and I think sometimes people put off getting the extra support and help to be more disciplined because they think the self discipline part of this will the self should do it . Well , you're busy , you have a lot on your plate , so having an accountability partner makes total sense and I can understand for some that financial investment feels like , but that's also the driving force sometimes to get things done faster or to really , you know , be so focused that you're like , OK , I have this goal , I'm going to achieve it now .

Speaker 2 10:47

And it's also proof of commitment . When we start to either pay the money or just find that accountability partner , we're actually committing to ourself that this is a goal that matters , yeah completely Okay .

Speaker 1 10:59

So some of the clients that I work with were pretty heavy athletes in high school and even later on in life , you know , have competed as triathletes . But they're finding post COVID . They're really struggling with not even just sports but in general just the same excitement and drive in life . I think many of us can say we're having that shift . What are some of the reasons you are seeing that happen ? Why do you think that's occurring ?

Speaker 2 11:28

I think it's because the whole pandemic was such a paradigm shift as in it's changed our perspective on everything that it makes it . A lot of people question a lot of things and maybe they didn't question before . And when we question we open that box and I feel that especially if people had beforehand strong drives , maybe if they were athletes , then things can pale in comparison . And I've asked myself a lot this idea of purpose and aspiration and meaning , and what I found is we need to stop making it so complicated . What makes such a big deal ? Let's save the world , and I thought now let's just look what really does three fundamental

The Three Fundamental Errors in Life

Speaker 2 12:09

errors in life For more .

Speaker 2 12:09

I see the three fundamental errors in life are health , relationships and work , and in health , I include also mental health , I also include spirituality , I also include self-improvement . I put it all in like big holistic health relationships , everything from family , friends , network , social life and then work with your impact , et cetera and for me to feel fulfilled this is what I've noticed Different people , different perspective , but everything tied together . I thought if these three areas are good , pretty good , great , Overall we're fulfilled , and so it's only a matter of looking in each area . Is this something that's really off . So , in health , is someone like really sleep deprived ? Or have they totally stopped exercising ? Or are they really really stressed ? Or have they stopped learning ? I know in my case , if I stop reading and stop learning and just do my daily work , something's missing . As soon as I go to a training or read a new book that really excites me , I feel much better .

Speaker 2 13:08

So , looking in health and improvement , how's that Then ? In relationships , for example , it's a huge strain on the nervous system and on the limbic system if we have a relationship we're no longer talking to , when people often just ignore that and put it aside for 10 years . Well , that has a huge strain on our mental health , whether we want to or not , right ? So , looking there , how is all of that ? And then purpose we often try to work , though we don't have to . Really , it's just looking . Hey , am I enjoying what I'm doing ? Am I enjoying the process and am I having some form of impact ? Could just be on the company , could just be with your colleagues and your team , Could just be helping the company to progress in their own mission , and yeah , and that's it . And so I found that if we have a clear impact contribution that we're doing now work , that our relationships are happy and healthy and that our mental and physical health is taken care of . Overall , all is good . We just need to stop making things so difficult .

Speaker 1 14:09

Yeah , I agree with you . We had more times to ask questions to review our lives , but we got way too existential with it . Yes , and when you get too existential , there is no answer . No , exactly Correct , but there's no answer there is no answer .

Speaker 1 14:25

You will feel like well , what is the purpose of it ? You know , woo , and you go down this path . But I like how you just simplified it , like look at these three core areas and how can you really be at your happiest in each of those ? And what does the shifts mean ? Ok , let's pivot to . Let's say you've started some new habits and you're like OK , I've got my flow . And then real life happens , which knocks us off the new habit train . What are your tips for people who are like OK , I really want to keep up that habit , but life keeps getting in the way of my new routine , my new , whatever it might be ?

Speaker 2 15:02

Yes , I once heard on a podcast someone talking about this , about going on and off meditation practice , and they said you know , that is the practice . So getting back on the wagon is the practice . I think what often happens is , again , we have this idealized version of we're going to do it every day and everything right , Like every day is going to be all the things perfectly , and then something happens , and then we don't . And then we think , well , that's it . It's that whole all or nothing thinking , whereas actually the practice is how fast and swiftly and with agility can you hop on the wagon ? So if you were off because you were sick for two weeks , then how quickly do you get back into your flow versus , oh well , now there's no point , it's been a month . Why do I ? You know what's the point in getting back on track ? So I think it's learning to get back to the routine and also just listening to ourselves , because we go through phases in life where maybe we're a bit more into breath work , or maybe we're a bit more into meditation , maybe we're really , really valuing our nutrition and really focusing on that , maybe we're exercising more in a running form , then maybe we're going more into yoga and so things are more flexible , which make it harder to have that structure because it's like oh , I have to listen to myself more the whole right brain thing . And I think when we learn to just be in tune and harmony with our body and our soul and our mind , things will naturally happen with ease and we'll start to miss exercising and we'll maybe go for a long walk . These things happen quite naturally if we're not trying to force them .

Speaker 2 16:33

But to come back to what you're saying , let's say someone's fallen off the wagon I call it falling off the wagon and wants to get back into an exercise routine . Just start with something you like and not using all that non-time doing it all the time you didn't do it as guilt . Just be like that's done . We're here , just like I did with the Swedish . There's no point in carrying that guilt . We're here .

Speaker 2 16:55

Now I'm going to start again dancing or going for a walk or playing badminton and then from then rebuilding the habit and when it breaks again , you will have built more self-trust because you'll remember oh , last time when I fell off the wagon , I still picked it up afterwards . So now I know fall off the wagon again , went to a wedding for the weekend or went for a holiday or something just shifted . I know I can get back on it . So it's really learning to trust ourselves that when things happen and we get out of whack or out of think a bit , we still always have this ability to just go back and , as I said earlier , asking ourselves why we do these habits , why do they even matter .

Speaker 1 17:35

Yeah , you really touch on the fact that we have to reprogram old ways of thinking that there isn't failure in this process , that there isn't . Like you know , you can still . I hear you guys listening . I can hear you through the mic . Yes , you'll still get your gold stars . You will still get your like , well , good , amazing , look at you . That will still happen , but it doesn't have to look the way it did when we were younger , and often we get caught up in this system of good grades , good at this , good at that achievement , achievement , achievement that we lose sight of what achievement looks like as we get older .

Speaker 1 18:14

And I love the flexibility you just pointed out we need to have with ourselves that health is a big , encompassing thing . So any steps towards taking care of your health is progress . Not it had to be my five day , this detox plus this workout , plus , plus , plus , plus , plus . No , that actually is probably why you fell off of the first place . But that achievement and self discipline is the ability to trust yourself and to listen to the ebb and flow and then to follow up with what is it that would be something that would help me in my learning , what would be something that helped me in my relationship . I can do today Baby steps and seeing that as progress as well . So I think what you shared was perfect and super helpful . What is one area in your own life you're working on having discipline in right now ?

Speaker 2 19:08

Getting up out of here .

Speaker 2 19:09

No , I mean , I normally always get up around six and then , with the holidays and things shifting , I'm getting up more around seven and that , for me , shifts my meditation and exercise routine and so I'm thinking but there's no point in shifting back to getting up at six because I'm back on holiday in a week and so for me it takes a lot of mental and physical energy to shift my sleep patterns and so , yeah , so I'm not really working on it . To be honest , I know I'll do it back when I come back . So it's again adapting and flexibility . But one thing I did want to say on what we were talking about just before is the fact that once you do develop these healthy routines quite systematically , such as exercise , eating well , even learning and reading , they become so fulfilling that we want to do them again anyway . So there's a point where it's not really disciplined , like people think , things that I'm very disciplined not eating cake or drinking alcohol and stuff . That for me and I'm not lying on the Swedish requires discipline . Yes , getting up early requires discipline . Yes , for me . But not eating cake requires no discipline . I don't fancy it .

Speaker 2 20:17

So I think that doesn't mean that's the same for everyone .

Self-Discipline and Healthy Habits Power

Speaker 2 20:20

But I think sometimes , when we really feel how good it is when you're eating carrots and hummus , or when you're running or going for a long war or going to bed early and having great night , and so these things feel so good in a body that really , really do , and I think it's just hard at the beginning when we're changing these patterns . So if you go from eating 10 cakes a day to non , that's really hard because your whole body is used to that glucose and that's really difficult . And people cutting down sugar , I know it's extremely addictive and it's very difficult .

Speaker 2 20:50

So I'm not saying not eating cake is easy . That's not what I'm saying . I'm saying when you haven't done it in a while , it feels easy and it feels natural and it feels good . Same with exercise , same with sleep , same with meditation . So this is why , for all of those habits , I don't really worry that I won't have the discipline , because I know if I don't exercise for about a week I'd miss it , but like a lot and I don't feel that good . So I'll do it again .

Speaker 1 21:16

Yeah , yeah . So it's almost strengthening them , like , think of it as a muscle . Strengthen that muscle so much that you're like , ooh , I haven't used that muscle lately . I need to go do that . You know , use that muscle . So you've brought up sleep . Let's go back to the sleep . Sleep is something everywhere around the world we struggle with . We will give it up in a heartbeat for whatever it might be that we think is instinctive , like in this moment . This is way better than sleep . And yet sleep is so essential and the research out there about how it's impacting our ability to think clearly , how it's impacting even our mind-body connection on all the things we still don't take care of ourselves in that way . So discipline around things that actually take care of our health . What do you believe is stopping us beyond instant gratification of ? Well , the Netflix series is just so good and so I'm going to binge watch for the rest of the night . Why do you think sleeping , getting the full night's rest , actually isn't a muscle we want to flex that often ?

Speaker 2 22:17

I think it's what you said . I think is the instant gratification , and I think it's also linked to this concept in self-discipline that's such a great concept , which is our connection with the future self . So we have a tendency to prioritize what feels good now and we detach with how it will impact our future self the next day . So if you binge watching the Netflix series and you're loving it , it feels good now and even though all day the next day you're going to be tired and you're going to struggle to get up , that doesn't feel that big a deal on that moment . And so it's learning to have a sort of closer relationship with that future self and say , hey , how do you feel about this ? You know me , tomorrow morning at six and when the meeting , I was like no , don't do it , I don't feel good about it . It's listening , and so I feel this helps . Sometimes , Now , a lot of the time , I find that being self-disciplined comes from having that nice relationship first of all , that self-compassion and that self-trust and that relationship with yourself .

Speaker 2 23:19

Later in the day or the next day , you know , when I exercise in the morning , I can see , you know , my future self at work , two , three hours later , feeling more energized , feeling more focused , feeling better , and I think it's worth it . You know , even if it's 15 minutes , those 15 minutes will make my whole morning better . And so it's learning to have that good relationship with our future self . And , on that note , I really want to recommend Giovanni Deanzman's book Mindful Self-Discipline . He speaks about this concept of talking with the future self , having that connection with your future self .

Speaker 2 23:52

I also have the privilege of collaborating with him on the topic of mindful self-discipline , so I'm always promoting his work because I love it . It's so much easier to promote someone else's work , right Like his is my kids work . I don't really talk about mine and yes , and he also talks about future self . But so so many insights in terms of mindful self-discipline . And the idea of mindful self-discipline is having this ability to be disciplined in a more mindful and more compassionate way , which is something that you know 200% agree with .

Speaker 1 24:26

The book sounds amazing . I think it also is a reminder of self-love , because self-compassion and having a relationship with your future self is loving yourself . And often when we break habits or even break the discipline that we were having , it's self-sabotage and it's see , I can't even , I can't even do that and I can't . So go get that book and start to reflect on your own like ability to love yourself and have that compassion instead of , you know , being the mean bully . It's like , oh , you don't even know how to do this . We need to have that . We need to be able to be kind and loving to ourselves .

Speaker 1 25:04

The process of change , because growth is not a straight linear line . I like to think of it like you know , cycle of change is a spring that moves down and up and then down and up , and this is normal . But we don't treat ourselves that way . We'll treat other people with a lot of self or a lot of love towards them and compassion for their challenges and discipline and things , and we'll go it's okay , tomorrow's a new day , but we won't look in the mirror and say that to ourselves . So the fact that you need to look at your future self and go hey , I'm about to eat this thing . I'm about to do this thing . How are you feeling about it ? No , okay , you know what I love you enough not to . That's huge .

Speaker 2 25:44

Yes , and that comes back to . It's exactly what you say and that comes back to why are you doing those habits in the first place ? So are you trying to quit sugar because you feel you're overweight and every time you see yourself you feel angry ? Or are you trying to quit sugar because , hey , you feel better and you have more energy and you feel calmer when you're not eating sugar ? That's a very different motivation , and so if the motivation comes from self-hate same with exercise , same with meditation I mean , people can try any habit just out of the fact that they don't like themselves as they are and they need to have these habits to be better , to be someone that's worthy of love , and it's always this worthiness that comes up .

Speaker 2 26:27

And if that's the core motivation , when it drops , then you feel guilt and shame and anger . But if your core motivation is , you just won't feel good and when it drops you're just like , hey , it's an exception , I'll come back at it tomorrow . You know things happen and now's a different rhythm , and now I'm doing this . If you've had a sleepless night because you have children , and so you skip your exercise in the morning and you exercise the next day , the world continues turning , so it's . Let's not get things out of proportion . I'm really big on self-discipline . I'm really really big on leading a healthy lifestyle . I think these things are essential , but they're essential for your own well-being . So if you're destroying your well-being to have a greater well-being , it's nonsensical .

Speaker 1 27:10

No , it's a horrible cycle . Well , thank you , katie . This has been wonderful and you've had some good insights to help people start to say okay , why am I self-sabotaging and what are steps I can take ? How do I connect with that future self ? How can people find you if they'd like to read your book or listen to your podcast or connect with you through your website ?

Speaker 2 27:33

Thanks , katie , so they can find me at katestuddercom . My podcast is the Focus the Show and my book is the Magic Focus . And yeah , any questions or self-discipline , feel free to write to me or to Giovanni . There's a lot , a lot on this topic . Also recommend again his book Mindful Self-Discipline . And yes , the more you train that muscle , the more it will grow . So you know , baby steps .

Speaker 1 27:58

Now I'm going to go do something that makes me feel stronger . I feel like I'm going to pull this muscle talk . I feel like let me go get strong . Well , katie , I loved having you and I can't wait to be on your show as well , and we'll make sure to tag each other so you can find all that information she just shared in the show notes below . Thank you so much for listening to today's episode . If you have a moment , please leave a rating or review so that others can find this podcast who are looking for support , just like you . Let's connect on Instagram at katiewrestler or at balancecodepodcast , or check down in the show notes to find ways that we can work together and see other offerings that I have for you at this time . And , as always , here's to finding our balance code .