Speaker 1 0:02

Welcome to the Balance Code Podcast , a place where you have permission to step outside the hamster wheel of day-to-day life and learn tools to create more balance . My name is Katie Russell . I'm a licensed therapist and burnout and hidden grief specialist . I support ambitious , goal-driven people who are ready to get off the one-way train , to burnout and start to enjoy life again to the fullest . Oh and , by the way , I'm a mom of three , an ex-pat living in Germany who is still learning the language , and an entrepreneur Living my Balance Code is what keeps me able to work in incredible ways without burning up . So let's find your Balance Code .

Speaker 1 0:46

Hey everyone , let's talk about people pleasing today , because I know many of you are people pleasers . I am . I know many of my friends are . I know many of my family members are . Many of us were raised to be people pleasers or were raised by people pleasers , so it tends to become one of our habits as well . Why do we people please ? What is people pleasing all about , and is it actually a really selfish act ? Let's dive in . Let's start with that last question .

Speaker 1 1:18

Okay , when we're people pleasing , one of our biggest goals is to either feel something or not feel something . Here's what I mean , when I get a request from someone to help them do something and I really know like I don't really have the time , I don't really have the resources right now , just exhausted which , by the way , I don't actively think of all those things , I just know they're playing in the background I will say yes immediately . Oh , of course I can help you . Yeah , totally , here's what's really going on . I want them to be happy , I want them to like me , I want them to continue to value our friendship . I want them to continue to value our partnership in whatever way , if it's in business . So of course I'm going to say yes , it's about me . I want them to feel a certain way about me so that I feel important , worthy , capable , and that is why I , people please or you might be on the other side of the coin I , people please so that I don't feel alone , so that people are always around me and so they know they can come to me , so then I'm not stuck by myself . I people please so I never feel like a failure in life . I'm always needed , I am always capable . So it's kind of the opposite of what I was saying before in the beginning is that I want to feel a wanted , desired , needed , important , versus I don't want to feel . One of those you gravitate towards , whether it be I don't want to feel like a failure or I want to feel capable . Yes , they're saying the same things . But one of those sentences you'll gravitate more towards and that is why you people please . One of those sentences , whether it be about loneliness , failure , worthiness , something around shame or guilt , one of those will be a driving force and we've talked about this can lead us to burnout , but it also leads us to people please .

Speaker 1 3:14

People pleasing is a very self-centered act . I know that goes against everything that we believe about people pleasing . No , katie , people pleasing is about other people . I want to make them happy , I want to help them . Why , why ? And the answer to the why , and the more you ask yourself why , to those answers , you get to the foundation of what it is , and it is about you .

Speaker 1 3:39

It's about wanting to feel something or wanting to not feel something , but ultimately , people pleasing is something that we are raised doing , I think , especially if you're a woman listening to this , because it's part of our relational nature . We love being around people , we want to be around people , and if you are a guy and you're listening to this and you're more of an extrovert , then you know that feeling too . Like I love people , I love being helpful , I want to be out there . So when we're cultivated in a culture that tells us we are supposed to be the ones who are the helpful ones the caregivers , the caretakers it feels like one of the worst things in the world to say no . It feels like we're doing something wrong to say no to people when they ask for help , when they need something , when we can fix a problem for them .

Speaker 1 4:27

So we people please , at the expense of our own energy , our own time , our own resources , because in quotations , we care . Well , we care not to feel a certain way or to feel something , so we will put them first before ourselves . That's what we've been sold as people pleasers . You need to put others first before you , but what you're doing is putting yourself first . You are either way . You're gonna put yourself first , whether you have a boundary of no I'm sorry , I can't help right now , I really don't have the time or ability or if you say yes , I'm going to at your expense of your own energy , but also so you feel good , so you feel something or you don't have to feel like that failure or unworthy or incapable , crazy right . It really kind of plays with your mind the more you think about this . Like , wait , it's always a self-centered act . No matter what , it's not a bad thing .

Speaker 1 5:22

It's about us understanding what are our motivators ? What is making us want to help people ? What is making us sacrifice things that normally we wouldn't sacrifice for particular people ? And are we conditioned to be this way ? Are we told this is what we're supposed to be in our culture , in our society , and maybe it's even in your religion ? Like , are you told to be this way and what is the why ? What is the why behind it ? What is the why behind it for you ?

Speaker 1 5:52

I think often people who know that they're around somebody who's a people pleaser abuse it and they will create a dynamic of guilt towards the other person if they don't help . Well , like , but you're so good at this . Oh , but it's such a shame if it's not you doing it right . Like there are ways that they play with our emotions because they know we'll break , because they know we're people-pleasers and more than likely they came from a family or culture or background in any way where they saw somebody abusing the people-pleasers in their lives .

Speaker 1 6:25

This topic is super complex but at the root of it , people-pleasing is about fulfilling something we have within ourselves that we need to learn how to fulfill on our own . If it's a , I don't wanna feel like a failure , so I'm gonna overgift to others and I'm going to show how capable I am . That's about your mindset and your belief system around failure . And if it's this feeling of like I always want to be achieving , I always , and the way to achieve is to always and say yes and keep going and going and going . I have to share with you . You weren't great because you achieved something . You were already great and then you achieved something .

Speaker 1 7:05

So putting your worthiness , your greatness , your amazingness wrapped up in your performance and your ability to help others or people-please isn't what makes you great . The more you have this mindset that it's based off of what I do , how I serve , how I help , that is how I have my value the more you will go down the road of people-pleasing and unhealthy patterns and unhealthy ways and you'll continue to put yourself last , but ultimately first , with unhealthy ways of people-pleasing . You don't wanna feel a certain way or you're looking to feel a certain way , and if you cannot praise yourself , if you cannot celebrate yourself , if you cannot say good job to you and hear it take it go . Yeah , man , I can be my own cheerleader . That's an issue and most of us can't .

Speaker 1 7:56

Most of us look outside of ourselves to get that gratification , to have that feeling of achievement . We need somebody else to tell us we've done a good job , we're so helpful , we're so deserving of whatever it is that we received because we did all this work . So I'm here to tell you that a lot of the things that motivate us when it comes to people-pleasing are driving us towards burnout . They're not adding to your balance code . Now am I saying give up all volunteering and don't do this and always say no , even though you actually have the time and the ability . No , not at all . Volunteer for the things that light you up and excite you In the moment that they start to drain you in a way that is not productive and helpful at all . Okay , it's time to take a pause . It's time to reevaluate If somebody needs help in that one moment and you're right there and you can do it . That's being a good citizen . That's not people pleasing . People pleasing is when you do it so that they will like you , that they will value you , that they will see you worthy . This is where it starts to get into the world of almost codependent right Like they need me and I need them , they need me and I need them , they need me and I need them . And whoa , it's an addiction . So take some time right now to sort of reflect on am I a people pleaser ? Why ? What's my why about people pleasing ? And how can I start to fulfill that need within myself versus look for it outside of myself , because the more I look for it outside of myself , the more it will become an unhealthy pattern .

Speaker 1 9:27

Another big episode today , even though short , full of food for thought . As we wrap up , I want to take a moment to thank StuckUpNorth for their review of the podcast . They said you have a gift for making messy things clear . I love your great examples and willingness to share personal examples . Thank you to StuckUpNorth for this great review . If you would like to leave a review for the podcast for me to read on one of the episodes , please do that on your favorite platform or you can go to katyrustlercom backslash podcast , find the episode you really enjoyed and leave a review there . Here's to finding our balance code . Thank you so much for listening to today's episode . If you have a moment , please leave a rating or review so that others can find this podcast who are looking for support just like you . Let's connect on Instagram at katyrussler or at balance code podcast , or check down in the show notes to find ways that we can work together and see other offerings that I have for you at this time . And , as always , here's to finding our balance code .