The Importance of Finding Your Tribe

Speaker 1 0:02

Welcome to the Balance Code Podcast , a place where you have permission to step outside the hamster wheel of day-to-day life and learn tools to create more balance . My name is Katie Russell . I'm a licensed therapist and burnout and hidden grief specialist . I support ambitious , goal-driven people who are ready to get off the one-way train , to burnout and start to enjoy life again to the fullest . Oh and , by the way , I'm a mom of three , an ex-pat living in Germany who's still learning the language , and an entrepreneur Living my Balance Code is what keeps me able to work in incredible ways without burning out . So let's find your Balance Code .

Speaker 1 0:46

Hey everyone , I am super excited about today's episode because I'm going to be interviewing Bevan Farrand , and so if you've been listening to the podcast , you know this is the very first time I will be interviewing someone for the podcast , though I've done interviews many times in the past for other events and things that I've put on but today , bevan and I are going to be talking about finding your tribe , finding your community , and the importance of this , especially when we're looking at creating better balance in our lives . Now I want to share with you a little bit about Bevan , because she truly is an amazing woman who's gone through a lot and , through those challenges , has created a movement that I find is just fascinating . In 2019 , after an unexpected loss , just five days after she returned from a whirlwind trip to France with her husband , bevan founded the Take the Damn Chance movement . Her damn framework has inspired thousands to connect with the people that they love . Do the crazy thing that makes all the difference , and when given a choice to take the damn chance .

Speaker 1 1:48

Additionally , she's a coach that supports women in achieving their goals , even after going through deeply challenging experiences . Now you're going to hear a little bit more about her story , as well as why she's so passionate right now about teaching others how to create a community . That's really for you right now and the importance of us finding our tribe . So , without further ado , here we go . Hi Bevan , welcome to the podcast . I'm so excited to have you on my podcast because I've been on your podcast and now it's your turn in the hot seat .

Speaker 2 2:17

So how are you doing today ? I mean , I didn't know there was going to be a hot seat , but now I am great . It is summer break here , so everything is topsy turvy and upside down and we just roll with it as parents , right ?

Speaker 1 2:32

Yes , as it should be right . We are the adaptable ones , while the kids get to live the childhoods . Hopefully we had as well .

Speaker 2 2:39

Exactly I like it . Yeah , we did throw them in the pool today , smart .

Speaker 1 2:44

Smart . So today we're going to be talking about the importance of relationships and finding our community or as you and I tend to call it tribe and , in relation to finding our balance , having better boundaries with people . So tell me where you are right now with this theme of finding your tribe . What's going on in your world that this is a topic that's hot for you right now ?

Speaker 2 3:10

And I love that . We immediately dove into the tribe part . Right , because we hear this like we talk about relationships and our gut and our instinct automatically goes to romantic relationships . Right , like we think about our partnerships , our marriage , and I'm single . Right , I lost my husband three and a half years ago unexpectedly , just six days after my 40th birthday , about a month after his , and so part of why this all started to come up for me was because I was looking at the most important elements of my life and of the lives of my clients and the people around me , and I initially had asked on my unofficial social media poll , what did people want to hear from me ? Did they want to hear about work stuff and how to grow your business ? Did they want to hear about health , life purpose relationships ? And most people picked relationships . Health was a close second , but I was shocked that people weren't asking me about growing their business , and which was good , because I've been wanting to shift away from that anyway , because I know that once that in order to really have successful businesses , successful ventures , our relationships have to be strong , and that really gave me pause , because it is .

Speaker 2 4:33

There are a lot of times in our lives that our relationships take a beating for one reason or another or we don't have fully realized relationships and I have experienced shake ups in my tribe on several occasions . So obviously I , like I said , I'm a widow . I became a widow at 40 . And that really rocked my identity in relationships because I was no longer part of a married couple . I was all of a sudden a solo parent . But it also showed me the power of my relationships and my tribe , because those people really carried me through those first incredibly difficult days , weeks and months , and they still carry me through that , but not just in losing my husband . I've moved across country , I've had different life circumstances . I've had kids have gone from not a parent to a parent , I've gone from a parent to a solo parent . So every time those life circumstances change , there's the potential for our tribe to change , and so I think it's really important that we understand how to grow that tribe and how to cultivate it throughout our entire life .

Speaker 1 5:55

Totally , and I think you just shed light on something we often forget and I find my client struggle with is some times , your tribe is only there for a season , yes , and we struggle when the end of that season comes because we're like , no , they're supposed to be forever , because they did fulfill something in us that we truly needed at that time . I often have clients who struggle with this , this concept , because it's like , well , no , he or she or they were going to be there and we plan these trips and we were going to do these things , and it's like but you grew apart or life circumstances change things . You know , when I became a parent , those relationships with people who are non parents was awkward at times , unless they knew how to like , blend , right in Right , and it was just for a season and that is okay . But we attached to people and I get it , we attached to people so strongly that when the season's over , we we struggle to let go .

Speaker 2 6:55

Well , I mean , let's talk about the fact that in general in our societies , we consider a successful marriage to be a long one , that longevity equals success , which is not the case , right , like longevity is just one measure of it . Sometimes very successful relationships end . Now , the more important the friendship the relationship is to us , I think , the harder it is for us to peacefully recognize that it has come to an end I have , a few months ago I was talking to somebody about a friendship , right , a somebody who I still love to this day . I rarely ever talked to her and I remember saying to whoever I was talking to just feel bad ending this friendship . And my friend I was talking to said it's already ended , right , it's over . I mean , you know , it's like , how dare you say that ? It was like , well , you know whether it's . Maybe we don't want to say it's ended , but it had shifted dramatically , yeah , from somebody I saw every week , spoke to almost every day , to someone who I haven't seen in six months and doesn't live that far from me . So I think that there is that inclination to us for holding on to something because we cared about it , because we care about the person .

Speaker 2 8:18

But I just recorded a podcast episode today speaking about , how you know , when I moved across country so I had a house fire in 2010 I ended up leaving Chicago and moving back to Ohio . I then met my late husband , stayed in Ohio , and when I first moved into this small town that he lived in that I still live in , I didn't know anybody , and so I knew I needed a tribe . I know that about myself , and so I started a book club and reached out to somebody I knew , said , hey , I am craving connection , can you , would you help me start this ? She reached out to a couple of people she knew that lived close to me , and that got me through several months .

Speaker 2 9:06

I don't know if it lasted a full year , but it doesn't exist anymore , and that was something where I said it disbanded , and that's okay because it did fulfill the need that I was . That was unmet

Building a Supportive Tribe

Speaker 2 9:22

. That's the thing , katie , that we have to think about . Our tribe and our relationships are fulfilling needs that we have in our life and we it is our responsibility , does my responsibility to get clear on my needs and then to find the way to get those met , and sometimes that is through people , sometimes that is through ourselves , but that is , that is why we build a tribe and I know that sounds very clinical , but it is and and the reason I say that is you cannot build a really successful supportive tribe if you don't know what your needs are .

Speaker 1 10:03

Yes .

Speaker 2 10:05

And you're willing to communicate them , because it is not anybody's responsibility to meet your needs . They don't have to . It's very generous anybody , anytime , anybody even thinks about doing that , but it is definitely not anybody's responsibility to figure out what your needs are . Right to read your mind , nope . And so we build this supportive network because too often we are putting all of our needs on one person . A lot of times it's your spouse .

Speaker 1 10:38

Yep .

Speaker 2 10:38

And so you're expecting your spouse or your partner to fulfill all of these needs and they can't and they shouldn't have to . So instead we say what do I need ? What are my needs ? Like I need interaction with people . I need some people that I go out to dinner with , and then for me , I'll just talk about myself here . Like I also need mom friends , and not just any mom friends , but mom friends of young children .

Speaker 2 11:07

I have three children , six and under . I have lots of mom friends , but a lot of their friends , a lot of their kids , are teenagers . They don't understand the delicate balance of having a two year old where I can't miss naps every single day without paying for it , being in a lot of pain . So you know , what else do I need ? Sometimes I need help around the house . Sometimes I need people to travel with right , like all of these different needs now , sometimes filling those needs , like childcare , that somebody I've hired to help me have a nanny . Sometimes it like if there's stuff done around the house . Sometimes it is a friend if these a couple of great friends who will come over and help me get a snake in my driveway , like came over and helped me clear out the garage , parts of the garage to make sure the snake wasn't hiding in there , and sometimes that means I hire somebody to do things around the house . So it's not . It's finding this balance of what do you need and how do you get those needs filled .

Speaker 1 12:09

Mm-hmm , and this is not gender specific .

Speaker 1 12:12

You know we're talking as two women who are moms but , I find with my male clients , I find with my husband , I find with male friends , there's this natural inclination to make their partner their everything , because they struggle with connection with other men . They struggle with who's gonna do the next invitation , what is it gonna be about ? And they tend to hook onto their partners to be the one to you know guide . The calendar of events , Like the next time we'll see them is this date . And I think when we talk about solitude and isolation and having introvert time , we often tend to think of masculine energy , like to some . Many men need to have that , but there's a point where it becomes unhealthy . We all , to have better balance in our lives , need connection with someone . Yeah , and it can't just be like your neighbor , it's gotta be like someone you really talk to .

Speaker 2 13:10

Well , and so , just like I said , it's not your partner or your spouse's job to fulfill all of your needs . It's also not your job to fulfill any one person's all of their needs . And I saw this very strongly when Mark and I were going through fertility , a fertility journey . So all three of my kiddos are IVF babies , and when we first started on this journey , we did a couple rounds of IUI , we did our first round of IVF and I had a miscarriage and at that time in particular , mark and I were best friends , like we shared everything with each other . We always said we were on the same team .

Speaker 2 13:51

At that time I told him I need you to find someone else to also share this with , because I am carrying my own grief , my own worry , my own anger at my body , all of these things I'm carrying all of that . I can't also carry yours . And I had friends who had already been through IVF , who had had miscarriages , and I was able to share it with them and say , hey , like we just went first started , what do I do about this ? And they gave me lots of feedback , lots of ideas for what it worked for them .

Speaker 2 14:31

But he didn't have that and I said to him I need you to talk to someone else . No , I know your best friend doesn't have kids . They've not been through this . I am happy to connect you with one of my friends' husbands who have been through the fertility journey . I am happy to connect you with whoever , but what I know is that I cannot be the only person you are sharing this with . That was a hard thing . It was a hard conversation and it was a hard thing for him to understand , because all he wanted was to be my everything . But it was very necessary . It was a very strong I don't know if boundary is the right word , but it was a strong communication that I had to have with him .

Speaker 1 15:16

Yeah , and you're really pointing out the fact that it's important that our tribe members at least some of them have gone through what we've gone through .

Speaker 1 15:26

Yes , I mean I look exactly like it . But because there's a piece of empathy there and empathy , we often get it wrong . We think empathy means like we feel their emotions , we take it on . Actually , that's unhealthy . That's not what empathy really is . Empathy is I can feel that space of my own emotion that went through a similar situation and therefore I can sit with yours , yes , and I can keep a distance , and a boundary of this is yours . I'm not gonna make it about me . And when you find those type of people in your tribe , you thrive in that relationship because they allow you to thrive , and you need people who've gone through similar situations .

Speaker 2 16:03

You do , because I know when I went through IVF and when I had my miscarriage and I shared that with some friends who do not have children , had not been through fertility issues , had not had miscarriages , they didn't know how to handle my emotions . They didn't know how to handle the news , and then it became very awkward . And I think that's where we often will then shut down and feel like , oh , it's not appropriate for me to share . Well , maybe it's not appropriate in that situation and it's not even the appropriateness of it . It is the effectiveness of it to say , okay , well , so that's where we have a lot of people in our tribe to say , okay , this friend can't manage it , can't handle it and it's just gonna make me feel bad about myself if I try to share it with this friend and so I'm gonna share it with somebody else .

Speaker 2 16:59

I've had that on so many occasions where I'm like , how do you feel about something ? And if somebody is like , oh , I don't believe in that at all , then I'm like , maybe I'm just not gonna share it here and it's not keeping secrets from them . It's just like I don't wanna debate this , I'm not trying to get into a heavy conversation , I'm just gonna share , save it for something else . So I think that we have to have , like you said , somebody who's been through it .

Speaker 2 17:24

I kind of look at it as in each area of our life in business , in friendship , in momming , in all of these things we need to have a mentor , like we need to have somebody who is kind of helping guide us down a path . So that could be , if you're an entrepreneur , that could be a coach , that could be a consultant or a mentor that is guiding you . So if you're just in your relationships , right , maybe it's a therapist like you or a coach , right . We also need to have somebody who is walking with us . That's why I say I need mom friends of moms with young children . They are walking with me , because sometimes when I talk to moms of teenagers , they're like oh , don't worry , this will happen , don't worry , you'll get past it .

Speaker 1 18:15

I'm like , no , that's not what .

Speaker 2 18:16

I need right now . I don't need you to tell me it's going to get better . I need you to be in the thick of it with me . We need mentors , we need people who are walking with us . We need cheerleaders , we need people who are just cheering us on , who have the capacity to just cheer us on . Then we need inspiration . I think , especially in our romantic relationships . We can have a lot of other couple of friends , but we also need to have some couple of friends who inspire us , like , say , that's the relationship we strive to have . I think a lot of times right now , in this day and age , we have a lot of couple friends but we don't think about do they have the kind of relationship that we want ? Or is it just proximity , but really consciously saying you know what ? That couple , that partnership , that's what we want , that's what we want to be ? We're going to put ourselves in situations with a couple that inspires us .

Speaker 1 19:23

Well , when we first moved to Germany , my husband and I every year Mark of us being here would sit down and go okay , what friends have we connected with , who have we made in our world and who are the ones you want to cultivate ? Because when you're new you kind of attract all sorts of hodgepodge of people and then you really find your tribe . So often we forget that we get to reassess , yeah , and go oh , you're kind of an energy vampire . Nope , you're just a squatter hanging out because we've known each other for six months and say these are not relationships I want to cultivate . But we forget this . We forget that again , it's that season , oh , you know what ? We're not really in the same place anymore and I find that we don't get along as well as we used to . It's okay , it's okay to reassess .

Speaker 2 20:15

Yeah , and you don't have to make it about anybody or anything . You don't have to be like , oh , those are their friends , that couple , they did something wrong or they're not good people Like that doesn't have to be what it is , it can just be like you said . That's not the relationship that I'm going to cultivate , because that's it right . I think we have to start looking at our tribe and our relationships the same way this is going to sound a little clinical again Like the same way we look at business and entrepreneurship . If that's what you were in , right , that we set goals and we do assessments and we can say , hey , we're no longer going to invest in that relationship , so we're just not giving it time and attention and energy and we don't have to have a big conversation about it .

Speaker 2 21:08

You don't have to have a big friend breakup unless you want to , right , unless you feel like , oh , I need to , like I really don't think we should have these big heavy . Let's look at our friendship conversations . Unless you're trying to save it , right , right , like if you're , there's no reason to go to a girlfriend's house and say you know , we've really drifted apart and think it's time for us to break up . It's like no , it's already over . Like I said , you know it's already done . Nobody's putting any attention into it . But it can just be that I'm not going to give it attention , not going to give it my energy , yeah .

Speaker 1 21:47

So you're going to be running a group soon on really developing and building this community and your tribe .

Finding Your Tribe

Speaker 1 21:54

Give us a few tips on how to find your tribe .

Speaker 2 21:58

Oh , so good . Well , the very first thing is to assess your needs . What are the needs that you have that are not being fulfilled , or that they are being fulfilled , but you want them fulfilled more ? The other thing I think is really important is we all have to be willing to ask . We have to be . We can't just sit back and wait . You know they're not going to just ring your doorbell and your 10 new besties are sitting on the front porch .

Speaker 2 22:24

And I think that you know , as women and as just adults , it seems to be really hard to make new friends . We're not in college , we're not , you know , the same dorm . People will say , oh , just make mom friends . Well , that's well , it's all well and good in theory , but it doesn't always just automatically happen . I found myself I have three kids , six and under , and my oldest daughter when she went to preschool . I connected with some of the moms immediately and we arranged play dates and we were just all getting together . Then the pandemic hit . It was a little harder to get everybody together and when my son went to preschool , I didn't have that connection with anyone . I just found that like nobody was reaching out to me , it was weird and hard to get other moms together and so it's very easy to that make that feel like a rejection , to say , oh , they don't want to spend time with me . No , I don't know what's going on in their life , but what I do know is that I have to be willing to continue to ask and to set again , like if we're looking at things like we do at business , to set myself goals , to say I'm just going to reach out to one new person every week , I'm going to set one dinner date and invite as many girlfriends as I want to , and not be attached to who shows up , but just that's my goal . My goal is what I can control , which is the ask or the invitation , or like setting up that event . I think that's really important . We have to be willing to put ourselves out there without making a story if somebody says no .

Speaker 2 24:08

And when we , when we talk about assessing the needs which I touched on , you want to look at like what is ? What is the need ? If you invite somebody out to dinner and they say no , is your need to see that person ? Then say , ok , if it doesn't work on Thursday , do you have any nights in the next couple of weeks where you're free ? Or is the need I need to get out of my house and have adult conversation ? And if that's the need , are you willing to just keep asking until you find somebody ? Or is the need I just need to get out of my house ? Can't find anybody to have dinner with , so I'll just go to Target without my kids hanging on me . I'll go get a massage , I'll do something , go to see a movie by myself , like what is the need that you are trying to fill ?

Speaker 1 25:00

So , bevan , you are my business buddy , woman of systems and I love that you've created a system for finding friends , like , as you're talking , like she's got a system , she's got a system reassessed .

Speaker 2 25:13

It's funny because , well , so , everything I do , right , everything I do , is based around the word dam . Right , we didn't even talk this is the first podcast interview I've been on in like three years or I haven't talked about the dam framework , but everything I do is based around the word dam , which is decide and declare a tender on party moments , not minutes . And now is the time , and you create what I call your dam manifesto and that's your yes in order to your six dimensional why . And so the , the program I'm running coming up , it's called the five day relationship revolution and it is powering our goals through building our tribe , and it is kind of in service of a group that I will be running called find your damn people , and I do that because it's we .

Speaker 2 25:55

We can have a relationship dam manifesto and we can say I want to have strong , connected , meaningful friendships . Or , if we're just talking about our partnership , we can say I want to have a , you know , emotionally , physically , spiritually connected partnership In my current relationship or in a new one , and that's our yes , right . And so we've got to get really , really , really clear on what it is that we want and why . Then , when things get hard , we have a touchstone . So if I was to do that , if I was to create my own relationship dam manifesto , to build my tribe , then and I and I don't have one yet , but I will right Then , when it gets hard , when it feels like people are saying no every time , I ask them to dinner , which is not true , it's not .

Speaker 2 26:43

It's not true , it's not every time , right , but that's what our mind says . But when I feel like I just don't have the friends I need and what I need more interaction Then I go back to that and I say , okay , but what I'm committed to Are these deeply connected , supportive relationships , the tribe and I just come back to that and I say , okay , so is the action that I'm taking in terms of is it moving it forward ? Yeah , again , systems Perfect .

Speaker 1 27:17

But you know the community who listens to this . You all know our high achievers yes , you are . And things like this . You're like I can do this One person a week . I can do this , yep , I can assess , I can look at concrete goals . I got this . So , yes , we don't have to look at relationships so ambiguous .

Speaker 2 27:35

I can assess , I can assess , I can assess , I can assess , we don't have to look at relationships so ambiguous , yeah , and really take action on them , because we look at it as high achieving women , which we both are .

Speaker 1 27:54

And we say I don't have the friendships that I want .

Speaker 2 27:56

I guess I failed Right Right , like what is wrong with me Instead of saying what have I done To cultivate it ? And some of that is I'm just asking to make sure that I have the right to do that . I'm asking and start making connections and if we can set goals of what we can do and impact . When I work with with entrepreneurs and they're like I'm not making the money I want to make them Like , stop looking at the outcome and just set goals On the things you can do and impact which are your thoughts , your actions ?

Speaker 1 28:27

Yes , and I'm going to side eye everybody and be like and make space on your , your calendar and you're like I have no time , I have no time , I don't have my tribe . You've just explained why You're telling yourself you don't have the time . So you actually have to make time on your calendar .

Speaker 2 28:43

So I was just . I just left a friend's house , we took the kids over there for a play date and we had been talking about we've been trying to find a group of women nearby , of moms of young children , right , and I was telling her , I have this book club . There's some of my closest girlfriends but they are all like , some of them live an hour away but we get together on the third Thursday of every month and I have it in my calendar . It is marked . I have about two weeks before I say is this still going to be the date ? And then I arrange a sitter . And what I said to my friends today was , unless we're going to do that , we're always going to be at the mercy of four schedules . So if we say , hey , we're just the third or the second Friday of every month , we go out for dinner . If you can come , great , can't , that's okay . But until you're willing to say and protect that and hold that time sacred , you're right , you won't have the tribe that you want .

Speaker 1 29:40

Yeah , totally , oh . I've loved this . Such juicy information and ideas and hopefully you know epiphanies , for people are listening , going like I've not been doing that . Yep , that's what I can do to shift . If people want to join your upcoming group , how do they join ?

Speaker 2 29:58

So you can . It's a five day free training . You can go to find your damn peoplecom and that will get you signed up for that relationship revolution training . And you can also go find my podcast , which is called all the damn things , and I've been talking a lot about relationships and building your tribe there as well .

Speaker 1 30:18

Excellent , I'll make sure all of those links are in the show notes . Before we end , what is one thing that you are doing actively right now to create balance in your life ?

Speaker 2 30:31

Oh , I did not know this conversation or this question was coming up .

Speaker 2 30:37

You know I do consciously try to create balance . So I don't know , I don't know that we are ever like truly balanced . I like to think of integration , but one of what I have done recently to support my own sanity and my own I don't know my own life is so I tend to . If my home is very cluttered , my thoughts tend to be cluttered , and vice versa . If my thoughts are really cluttered and I'm feeling very overwhelmed , then my home tends to get out of control . And , completely candidly , I had not like packed up all of Mark's clothes , so our closet still had a lot of that .

Speaker 2 31:22

So what I did is I said I'm going to hire somebody to come in and help me pack that up and then also just help me organize around the house . So she's been coming in one day every couple of weeks and tackling a new area . She did the garage , she did my master closet . She's done like she did my bedroom . That was like the best day of my life when she came in and she got everything organized and in its own place . That has been a way for me to support my own , like I said , sanity and balance , so that I don't spend the time from when the kids go to bed . Until I go to bed beating myself up Because I could sit here and say , oh , I need to spend that time organizing and cleaning . Well , that's not going to happen , so instead what I would do is like sit and do whatever thing I'm doing or whatever trashy TV I want to watch , but I'd be feeling bad about myself . So instead I'm supporting the fact that I need it and it wasn't going to happen without the support .

Speaker 1 32:24

Yes , and you're not afraid to just take that step and do the damn thing Right , exactly Always .

Building Tribes and Finding Balance

Speaker 1 32:32

Excellent , bevan , thank you , so so much . Thank you for being a part of my online tribe community of business women who are rocking it , and I hope that the listeners will take a moment to go in the show notes and click the link so that it can be a part of your five day training , because I think it's beautiful to really help us understand how we can build our tribe and the importance of it and creating better balance in our lives .

Speaker 2 32:55

Thanks for having me . It was a pleasure to be here .

Speaker 1 33:01

Thank you so much for listening to today's episode . If you have a moment , please leave a rating or review so that others can find this podcast who are looking for support just like you . Please connect on Instagram at katiewrestler or at balance code podcast , or check down in the show notes to find ways that we can work together and see other offerings that I have for you at this time and , as always , here's to finding our balance code .